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Baron 1644 5231
Baron 1644 5231
  • 30 Jan '18


Baron 1644 5231
  • 25 Jan '18


Baron 1644 5231
  • 27 Apr '17

I've lost track of time. It stretches on in both directions, utterly unforgiving in its anonymity. I sink slowly into the dark recesses of my couch. When? Soon?

A broken needle lays on my stomach, looking up at me on a field of grease-stained white fabric. Soon.

It's been years since the last Mordhau update. Triternion's website remains blank and featureless, like my future. I'm going through medieval combat simulator withdrawals; my hands tremble with the urge to pick up any nearby pommel-shaped objects and throw them.

The others all died out months ago. I am alone.


Baron 1644 5231
  • 6 Feb '17

if you look closely you can see my sanity unraveling tbh






Baron 1644 5231
  • 2
  • 14 Mar '19


Humble finishes his nightly rounds of the area around the cornucopia and is shocked to discover Crushed standing near the treeline. Wordlessly he turns and disappears into the foliage, beckoning Humble to follow behind him.

After a short time, Humble finds a lean-to under which Crushed is sitting with legs crossed. After a long moment to assess the situation, Humble sits opposite him.

The two talk for a long time about what is to come tomorrow. Eventually, they decide on a fair fight: no weapons, no tricks. Fist and foot, to the death, and may the winner take all.

As they speak, Crushed finally begins to feel the specter of insanity leaving his mind, to find more fertile fields.


It isn't long after that Runagate is inhabited by that same phantom. He struggles to sleep, haunted by the faces of those he's killed. He retreats up into the safety of the forest canopy and ties himself to a tree bough, trying to shut his eyes lest he see the tribute he pushed out of one of these very trees hours earlier.




The three remaining tributes are awoken at dawn to the sound of roaring water. The arena has slowly begun to flood, forced Crushed and Runagate towards the Cornucopia and the final confrontation.

Humble stands in the middle of the clearing, watching as Crushed once again emerges from the trees.

Unbeknownst to either, Runagate has made his way towards the clearing through the trees and is watching them both. He edges closer, a pilfered explosive in his hands with the detonator ready to be tripped. He visibly twitches with anticipation at the change to finally get rid of the competition for good, and put an end to this nightmare. The voices that started last night were hounding him all day, now. One way or another, this needed to end.

He shifted his weight just slightly, and the branch below him suddenly splintered. Before he fell, he thought just for a moment that he saw Ohshitsorry pulling down on the end of the branch, with a vengeful smile. But then, as soon as it came, the image was gone again, replaced by the rapidly approaching ground...



Both Humble and Crushed jump at the sudden crash of branches nearby, and at the deafening sound of the cannon shot. But before long, their attention returns to each other. They now know that whoever walks away from this fight will be the last man standing.

Crushed unexpectedly charges. Humble reacts just in time to duck under his wild punch and deliver a kick to the ribs, but belatedly realizes it will have little effect. In a cold fury, Crushed attempts to grab Humble around the waist as he moves quickly backward, but Humble wiggles out of his grip and gets behind him, trying to forced him to the ground. Crush heaves, and both tributes topple to the ground, wrestling wildly.

After a moment, Humble comes out on top. In his panic, he forgets his vow to Crushed the previous night - fist and foot only. He lifts the largest rock he can get his hands on and smashes Crushed's upraised arm, breaking something with a sharp crack. Before he can swing again, however, Crushed's other hand closes tight on his neck, and he finds himself flying backward.

Humble lands sharply on a stone outcropping, feeling something in his back give way and a cold sensation settle over his body. Crushed mercilessly moves in for the kill, grabbing the smaller man by the head with his one good hand and smashing downwards over and over until he stops moving.






Well, I gotta say. I was rooting for the ban man the whole time, with his whole nonviolence thing (up until that last part). But I'm shocked he actually pulled it out. I thought he'd fall into a frozen lake, or eat his own shit and get dysentery, or something. Congratulations! And congratulations to Humble, Runagate, Ohshitsorry, and Max, for putting up such a good fight and making it to the very end! Legends.

And to everyone else, you all know this was like, a week or two in the making. I understand Val's pain now. Thanks for your patience!







'The Bloodbath' and no deaths occurred, fucking hue.






Two brave young demonslayers, FaffyWaffy and Macikeks, complete a dark pact and are transported to the Underworld to kill the God of Judgement, Seymour himself. On their way, they encounter shadowy figures from Mordhau's past, including ToLazy4Name, CaptainGaymer, Sammy, RebornChief, and more...


The Mordhau Games 3: Mord Harder!

Baron 1644 5231
  • 14 Sep '18


Baron 1644 5231
  • 14 Sep '18


Baron 1644 5231
  • 6 Jul '18

Re-open the kickstarter I've got another 500 dollars to pledge

Baron 1644 5231
  • 28 Jun '18

@ThunderDuck said:
Feed your knights Punzy they are starving


Baron 1644 5231
  • 1
  • 30 May '18

@Monkeytoes said:
double ko is more important than gameplay

double ko is more important than mordhau

Baron 1644 5231
  • 22 Apr '18

Look, don't take this the wrong way, but I and many others are getting quite concerned regarding your recent actions. In particular I feel like you've been making some bad decisions on how you moderate this forum, and I don't want to see things take a darker turn here.

You permanently banned a prominent, long-time and immensely well-respected member of the community (not to mention, one that has a history of taking through dev team's side in things like this) for some edgy memes. The situation would likely have resolved itself it you instead offered a warning via PM and told Humble to delete the posts, since as he's an extremely sweet and cooperative human being I'm sure he would comply. But instead you jumped straight to a permanent ban and offered zero warning of any kind. The only way we, the rest of the community, found out about this was because Jax (bless you man) vouched for Humble.

We, the community, find this to be deeply disturbing.

What I find even more disturbing is that when Humble went to address this himself, you posted pictures of the memes he had deleted and implied that he was a pedophile, in what I can only assume was an attempt to bully or shame him into silence.


Let me tell you something. I stayed silent and remained on your side throughout the entire incident with Giru and Furst, and supported you on everything else up to now. But I feel like your conduct has steadily become worse and worse over time. You've lapsed from professionalism into personal attacks and silencing opposition. And as of now you've far overstepped your boundaries as a game developer, and I sincerely urge you to change your approach.

It's not good to have your community living in fear of something they said bringing the Secret Police to their door. Hell, I'm not sure I won't get banned for posting this. But fuck it, it needs to be said.

Baron 1644 5231
  • 19 Apr '18


Baron 1644 5231
  • 26 Mar '18


Baron 1644 5231
  • 24 Aug '17

@Rattsknecht said:
So we embraced the first genuine Mordhau fanfics.

not even close to the first

Sammy leans over the back of Havoc's chair, wrapping his arms around his lover's neck possessively.

"Whatr'ya doing with the Founder's Guild?" he asks in a sultry, playful whisper, gently stirring the hairs on the back of Havoc's thick, masculine neck. Havoc reflexively shivered at the touch and the raw Britishness of Sammy's voice.

Just as Havoc is about to silence his lover with a kiss, their combined passion drowning out the loud shitposting occurring in the Founder's Guild thread, Lazy crashes through the wall.

Covered in a fine, golden powder of cheeto dust and wall plaster, Lazy appears to be having an autistic episode. His massive, rotund body capers though Havoc's bedroom without restraint, accidentally crushing Sammy in the process.

As Havoc cries out in shock and anguish at the sudden loss of his lover, he is cut off brutally by Lazy, who vomits sticky globs of cheetos all over his head, blocking his airways. As Havoc collapses to the ground, Lazy begins to emit a high pitched keening.

Gaymer can be seen in the distance, vigorously masturbating over the grisly scene as he watches through the hole in the wall.

I have more

Baron 1644 5231
  • 3 May '17

remember when i said soon

heh heh heh

anyway this post featuring lazy pt 2, furst pt 2 and our one and only god emperor

lazy pt 2.jpg

furst pt 2.png


coming soon(!!?): whisper, carlo_mano, and punzybobo

and then after that i'm out of ideas so


Baron 1644 5231
  • 6 Feb '17

@vanguard said:
Dis good meme tbh, make one of Mr Furst!

i tried

i don't even know what furst does smh


Baron 1644 5231
  • 18 Jun '19
  • What set this war into motion?
    • How long has the war been allowed to persist? Are people tired of fighting? Has the war just begun, and is it backed by the bloodlust of the soldiery?
  • Who are the major stakeholders? Which side is better funded/justified/better liked?
    • One of the voice lines is "For the king!" but what king?
  • What separates the Iron Company and the Free Guard? (I had to quickly Google the names just now, in case you were wondering about how unique and distinguishable the two factions in the game are)
    • What is the chain of command in the Free Guard like? Who currently commands it? What is the group culture like? What are some of their goals, their defining values? What is their current objective?
      • What is the chain of command in the Iron Company like? Who currently commands it? What is the group culture like? What are some of their goals, their defining values? What is their current objective?
  • What is the significance of the castle in Grad and what does the Iron Company stand to gain from taking it/the Free Guard stand to lose from being routed from it?
  • What connection do the two factions have to the factions/stakeholders that hired them?

These are important questions and as of now, they're sitting unanswered. There's not much substance to the game besides me red man smoosh blue man, get head feather. That's all fine and dandy, I just expected more background to my murder. It's the kind of stuff that immortalizes a game in the grand scheme of things. How many years later are we still talking about the characters and jokes from TF2? It would be a fun game without the personalities, but with them it became truly timeless.

Baron 1644 5231
  • 27 Apr '19

@ThunderDuck said:

@Humble Staff said:
The only way to show you are truly sorry is to post cute animal pictures.

funny dog2.jpg

will this blurry dog be sufficient i wonder

Definitely! Have a blurry kitty as a reward :3

Baron 1644 5231
  • 18 Apr '19