Mordhau
 Mackintoke
  • Likes received 101
  • Date joined 8 May '19
  • Last seen 27 Mar

Private Message

202 101

Speaking of Vietnam, you guys wanna hear the longest joke ever?

Actually Afghanistan is the longest joke ever. Actually no the cold war is. Actually no the Orion vs Sirius war is; Enki done siriusly fuck us - the orions/origin.

So whats the moral of the story? No means yes, and yes, means anal. Fuck yah is it still spring break? Even though its cold as shit?

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  • 23 Mar
 Mackintoke

tl;dr Someone pin this thread, I've found the cure to corona virus, and women have a very important role to play in this cure.

@SWSeriousMike said:
It's neither nice nor good.

lol it hurt your feelings on equality. Awww, poor PC baby:

@JerkChicken said:
Women would be a great addition to the game.

You'd get to jerk your chicken to THIS:
https://uploads.mordhau.com/spirit/images/3715/1375a05b6e8242444fee8af3607f1e86.png

@Lionheart Chevalier said:
Corona is one of the few beers I can enjoy. I also like Heineken and Guinness. Most other beers make me feel bloated and gross while tasting like battery acid or bread water.

Oh snap Corona is actually only 4.6 percent. Jesus Christ, this global pandemic just keeps getting worse and worse. Fuck Corona and their tiny little 330ml bottles. Same with Heineken - Corona and Heineken are pretty similar. Also, fuck Guinness and it's coffee flavored brewing style. Coffee is a poor man's cocaine.

Fuck Budweiser right in the face with a rusty mace, and if you drink bud light you are a disgrace to the human race. Same with Coors. Same with Blue. Fuck Molson right in the soul hole. I'll show you where that is in a minute.

What you need to drink from now on is THIS:
https://www.lcbo.com/content/dam/lcbo/products/469262.jpg/jcr:content/renditions/cq5dam.web.1280.1280.jpeg

In fact, go to your local watering hole and buy 6 tall boys, right now. That's 6x500ml at 5.2 percent of the best tasting beer ever. Lightweights liek you will get drunk after your third. It kicks the absolute shit out of Corona. In fact, it is the defacto cure.

That's right folks, I have found the cure for the corona beer virus. It is called Gosser. It is the greatest beer that ever existed in the history of beers, created by a super genius from Austria. You wanna know how Austria's super star Arnold Schwarzenegger got so successful? Because he drank Gosser liek a mother fucker. Also steroids. He ended up combining steroids with beer. He called it Beeroids, it gets you drunk and super angry, angry enough to deadlift those weights. Liek a mother fucker

@Lionheart Chevalier said:
I'd much rather drink Scotch, Whiskey or shoot Tequila.

Well duuuuuh. But that shit is more expensive, and more harsh on your liver. What you really want is a professional distillery where you get pros who are very professional to professionally distill Tequila like 7 times in order to impress their professors. I profess that That shit is so pure you can knock the entire bottle back without realizing just how potent it is. That's what I jsut did right now. That's when shit gets real.

Are you keeping it real, Lionheart Chevalier? Do you really think you have the heart of a lion? I don't think you got what it takes to eat the heart of a lion. You 'member that king of the lion? First he was a cartoon but now is SUPER GRAPHICS. Listen to me, bucko, you gotta overcome your fear, you gotta ignore what I said earlier and make what it takes. You gotta eat that lion's loin and gain his strength, just like Billy Joel did. How do you think Billy Joel and his loins became a super star? Because he ate the heart of a loin:

@Lionheart Chevalier: Aight so you know what to do - eat that lion heart and chase it down with Gosser beer, you'll simultaneously gain supernatural song writing skills and be cured and remain immune to corona virus and all it's mutations. You're welcome.

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^^ BABY GOT BACK

@TheKingInTheNorth You no nothinggg

but muh queen...

wid dat ass


I wanted to do an epic post about Meth, to complete the trifecta of super drugs (crack and heroine being the previous two) but there's just too much corona beer going around these days. Turns out corona beer actaully sucks ass. Don;t listen to these peice of shit lying commercials, the beech doesn;t taste any thing like that. Hell, It's only 4.7 percent FOR FUCK'S SAKE>

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lol, excellent

@✵ Legate Lanius ✵ said:
You seem begging for ban at this point, whats wrong with you wtf

lmao why so glum, chum? You get corona virus up the bum?

@ SWSeriousMike said:
You won't find happiness going there. These discussions have been chewed to death and it always ends with some self-declared alpha males invoking >their supposed biological superiority.

rofl That's the most pathetic thing I've read online, recently, and after that your string of half assed libtard sarcasm was cringe. And you're not even trying to be cringe. Look son, you gotta get out of your SJW feelings and face the facts: unless the chick is built liek this:

826104e4ca2627f3d96fe10775d03a85abf71b42c0d59952b436e1553ad4ad8b-1557102203

Then she ain't swinging a longsword in heavy plate armor without tripping over herself. That's the only dilemma here, is to make their implementation aesthetically competent, and not jarring - Mordhau is not a simulator, but it is noted as being quite immersive, exploiters and mods aside. Therefore, adding deadly assassin hookers could be jarring. Hence the concern from most people who aren't hellbent on diversity and equality, you naive thing you, lol. Anyways, I assume the guys working on the female character models over at Mordhau headquarters are making realistic figures - average to big broads, and not those 'Overwatch' looking cartoon bimbos. Meaning, HolyKnightHodrick will be fine.

I believe this will also be acceptable to HolyKnightHodrick and most normal people in general.

eowyn-lotr-cosplay-01

^^ I wouldn't bat much of an eye if fighting against a chick like Eowyn from LotR. EDIT: Although now I notice, this chick is pretty short. But you've all seen Lord of the Rings. That blonde human chick, not an elf.

Oh I forgot shield maidens liek Lagertha:

https://imagesvc.meredithcorp.io/v3/mm/image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fstatic.onecms.io%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Fsites%2F6%2F2018%2F01%2Fv5_10_10072016_jh_18332-2000.jpg&q=85

^ ^ There, imagine that, the men and women of Mordhau. Get us some fucking tattoo warpaint as well.

@ Cracksmith said:
I miss when this was the designated nutbag containment thread. Can we go back to arguing about crack cocaine and time cubes again?

The SJW echo chamber here has gotten bad, hasn't it? Just look at all these parrots. Unfortunately for us, they've given up crack for meth, the most sinister drug of all.

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  • 28 Feb
 Mackintoke

@LuxCandidus Has it moved your heart? The only way to cure your brain cancer is to open up your heart chakra. You must believe.

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@MrsThiccums said:
we were promised women and different races since the beginning, where are they? i know it's just a "cosmetic feature" and isn't really going to ruin immersion, but whats the hold up?

Miss thiccums you should be very proud of your thread. If one reads thru it hard enough they'll eventually learn the secret to human life. Just look for the heart, look into the heart of the matter.

To answer your question: the devs are rich white guys who haven't checked their privilege, that's the hold up:

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  • 27 Feb
 Mackintoke

@SWSeriousMike said:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dWjKkF0Zi4

Damn, I can't watch the video 'cause i live in Canada. oh wait, I'll just use this VPN ahh there we go, excellent. I'm from New York city now. New York New York, it's a helluva town.

I miss Mad TV, the show Key and Peele came from. Then again... naw, it was weak. But it had it's moments.

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@esturias:

Naw yo that didn't happen, what happened was the dragon got pissed off but I apologized and gave him some crack and we smoked it all and he forgave me. Then we got more crack and some hookers, continuously for 72 hours straight. I felt like Rick James chasing the dragon, except I actually caught the dragon, reeled it in, and got it addicted to crack and hookers. Just like in that book the hobbit.

But not everyone catches the dragon:

Jarl Trollston has this to say on chasing teh dragon:

"I finally understood the metaphor 'chasing the dragon.' The only reason you cant catch it is because every time you shoot up heroin it temps you into catching it, but you never will but you believe you will by continous drug use."

Very well said indeed.

A message to all heroine addicts: For fuck's sake, guys. You lack the class to do heroine. If you wanna do it, do it right. If you wanna do heroine you gotta already be a successful musician, a rockstar who made it big, like Kurt Cobain, or Micheal Jackson. Then you can can shoot up as much smack as you like.

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  • 27 Feb
 Mackintoke

Aye there certainly is something Mordhau hasn't been able to capture from Chivalry.

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  • 27 Feb
 Mackintoke

@The greatest crack smith of all time

Mah knigga don't be blaming the government for yo problems. And post some better pictures, like this:

mountain-lake-reflection-scenery-landscape-nature-uhdpaper.com-8K-4.1935-wp.thumbnail

^^ I climbed that mountain and took a dump right at the peak.

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@SWSeriousMike said:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t49fB_NvROU

^^ I stopped watching after he said humans are a blight. lol, the filthy lizard in the video is, well, a filthy lizard, preaching lizard biased bullshit. Ugly cretins. The truth is Pa'tah terrifies the shit out of him and his inferior kin.

https://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/ciencia/ciencia_danwinter07.htm

danwinter12

Just remember, some one some where some way..... this all ties into getting more women into Mordhau somehow,

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  • 25 Feb
 Mackintoke

Ok here's something serious

@Punzybobo said:
rofl, the game suffers from mechanical bloat, animations are still terribly unreadable

Could you elaborate on Mechanical bloat? As for animations, it's that damn auto lunge attack you do on your first swing. I still get gypped by it cause it's short but sudden.

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  • 25 Feb
 Mackintoke

@Humble Staff said:
I don't even know why this thread is still not closed lmao

THE SHOW MUST GO ON

Hey, it's got woman in the title, so... relevant to OP, kinda... sorry, not much to work with here:

202 101

@The_Mighty_Hermaphrodity_Cracksmith: No, this is a we're-very-high-on-crack situation. Terry Davis only smoked weed. According to J.R.R. Tolkein, Sauron was a being from the higher dimensions who sought to dominate the will of the lesser races. He's the one who put fluoride in the water, not the CIA. The CIA put crack cocaine into the black community. Although come to think of it, there's a lot of white trash crackheads too.

A message to all crackheads: For fuck's sake guys, you lack the class to smoke crack. If you wanna do it, do it right; if you wanna smoke crack, you gotta do it Charlie Sheen style, smoke 7 banger rocks in a mansion with a room specifically designed for blasting music, doing drugs, and banging groupies.

I'd like to thank Cracksmith for having the greatest name (so far) on the forums. Every time I look at it I can't help but say crack. Crack crack crackity crack oh dayum that's kraken. I just can't stop saying that word.

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@SWSeriousMike

lol no killing yourself only marks you as a coward. Look, all you need to know (for now) is that you chose to be here in the most interesting of times - the Age of Aquarius. There's a lot of crazy shit going down globally. Ease up on SJW tendencies so you can enjoy the show better. Same goes to those two uptight forumites.

@Cracksmoking Smithsonian

lol 5 to 12 you say? Matthew 5:1-12

And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:
And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.


IE Matthew smoked a lot of crack.

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  • 23 Feb
 Mackintoke

@LuxCandidus: Damn straight I'll edit my post like a mofoe till it's funny to me. And look at that, it even got an upvote. Anyways, this other moderator shouldn't have deleted my original post in the first place because it did not break any rules. And about your brain having cancer now - it's not much of change, your mental faculties remain the same - underwhelming.

@SWSeriousMike Everyone who I know you don't know. Area 51 is amateur, it's the CERN proton collider that's got the goods. Marduk and the rest of the Elohim sure are jerks though I tell you that.

But anyways, this life that you live? You chose it.

Or your money back, guaranteed.

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@SWSeriousMike said:
Seeing as there was only one Sauron I'd say he is a minority himself. So what you are saying makes no sense.

lol you can't be that serious, mike. Don't pretend you don't know the meaning of that word. Abandon this tinge of SJW non sense you've subtly embraced.

Or don't. Whatever. This is a free will universe, you do what you want.

But still, I didn't say the C word when referring to women, and I didn't say the N word when referring to people of color. So whoever suspended me for saying the words "chicks" and "minorities" is an easily triggered poofball and needs to get out of the house more often. No matter how crude, I didn't break the rules. That moderator abused his position. May mountains of shame crush him and his meek personality till his death. Amen.

Naw I'm just joshing yah. I'm sure this moderator is a wonderful man IRL. Kudos to you, Sir "Bleeding Heart Liberal" Goodfellow McDecency, you with the avatar of a pink haired cartoon chick wearing reading glasses. You are oh so wise.

Did I guess right? xD

202 101

@Humble Staff: lol SeriousMike is too serious for his own good. Watch, now he's gonna say that you "broke the rules."

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  • 7 Feb
 Mackintoke

Since I personally haven't been bothered by cleavers (I've killed many cleaver users) I will not be able to relate to you, no matter what you write about it.

But anyways I had an idea. Replace the cleaver with a machete.

Did Machetes exist in medieval times?

But again, the current stats of the cleaver are the almost identical as the short sword, and they are both almost the same length, visually. How come you guys ain't complaining about short swords?

But again, I'm on your side. I wanna see weapons all balanced just like you.

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@Cracksmith said:

@Mackintoke said:
DO SAURON'S ARMOR GOD DAMMIT. Also put in a flying fell beast mount. Horses are gettin boring.

Are you high or something? No fantasy shit.

Smoke some more crack sunny boy. Also, ignore all the Witcher 3 cosplay fuckers. They're pretty damn fantastical. Now BEHOLD Sauron's armored glory:

68726301fbfb5b33ee2bc41b7ddbb658

Since the devs already added a 1411 pistol and that brightly colored squeaky chidlren's toy hammer, I see no reason why they should limit themselves and not make a 9 foot tall avatar of Sauron, give his suit of armor tier 4 stats, make it accessible to mods. I'm bored of moderators busting out the pistol, instead they should bust out Sauron and start rag dolling everyone, smacking them 10 feet into the air with his gigantic mace.