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  • Date joined 30 Jun '16
  • Last seen 14 Nov

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Any estimate a regular forum member gives you multiply it by 2.
Any estimate a dev gives you multiply it by 4.
Any date given to you add to it 4 or more months.
Substitute any year given to you with the following year.

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What if

Mordhau is never released and is constantly "tweaked" with infinite updates in what is actually Torn Banner perpetrating one of the most elaborate practical jokes in history?

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@McMercy said:

Day 217

The Polar Wars continue to take their toll. The remaining elves loyal to House Claus grow weaker by the day. Desperate for sustenance I have finally lost all sanity and allowed our camp cook to utilize this new meat source.


That's what we call it.

I fear we have reached our final depravity. How long before this revolt is over?

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This is nothing the Buggles and Chris Farley can't save.

Press play and let him dance your cares away.


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@JoBe said:
This can be found on the Camp at the battlefield near the red soldiers' base close to a cart and a siege tower. Make sure to toggle damage off.

This is fine.png

Get back to the fight,


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Nothing says "Executive Meeting" like breaking out your ornate opium pipe and smiling for a nationally published photo.

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@JasonBourne said:
Boiling lobsters alive is a policy that needs to be reconsidered.

Until I consent to cook lobster in their approved method my local market should require I leave my house unlocked at night.

Problem solved.

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So we are basically punished into running a non VAC secured server if we hold an opinion contrary to Triternion as to who we choose to associate with and/or allow to play within our privately operated server.

This policy needs to be seriously reconsidered.

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The hour / min / sec hands should be stylized in the shape of weapons.

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@JohnTravoltage said:

The people who missed the kickstarter when Mordhau finally releases.

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@King Sinclair The FluffyDragon said:

How I picture most high level Chiv / Mordhau players drive to work every day.

The 2 or 3 of them who are actually employed I mean...


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There I stood on the chair. Cold pizza crusts in one hand and 2 spent "D" batteries in the other. Purple tinted sunlight streamed down through a cellophane "stained glass" facsimile. A mosaic comprised of the discarded wrappers of well over a thousand lemon flavored lozenges.

The phone rang. I opened the mailbox and answered it. The voice on the other end kept saying "Paper or plastic? Paper or plastic? Paper or plastic?." The voice suddenly stopped and the fish I was holding started wriggling. Carefully I released him into the cool water, and placed the "D" batteries in beside him in case he was hungry. After placing the pizza crusts inside the mailbox I slowly raised the little red flag to indicate outgoing mail. This took nearly 4 hours and 136 lozenges. My hand moving with the imperceptible speed of a mayan calendar.

I stood proudly admiring my completed task. The pile of wrappers at my feet crinkled as I walked away. I calmly tied my shoes, put the car into reverse, and drifted off to a peaceful sleep.

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This topic is so convoluted it literally cannot be derailed. This is the jazz space opera of the New Republic. Fortified wine and toasted rye bread all around!

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As much as I enjoy the idea of chasing down a noob with an axe while screaming that I'm going to eat his legs, I have little doubt VOIP would be consistently abused with blasting music etc.

I like the strangely serene vibe in a duel server, and having to constantly mute some kid blaring a meme airhorn based ear rape cover of an EDM europop chart topper that he thinks is "dank" would be a minor form of torture. I would rather not have to use a deafness perk to enjoy the game. Just use discord so it is elective.

Fights that sound like fights.

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This is the kind of corporate shilling that makes me sick. So sick in fact that I think I'll head down to my local Red Lobster™ for some piping hot Cheddar Bay Biscuits™.

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The Lobster is often up at night. His window casts a soft yellow glow in the deep pitch dark, and if you are still and listen hard you can hear his music lazily drifting in the air.

This piece captures the feeling of being up at night alone PERFECTLY.

One from Lobster's live action 80's waifu Enya. Lobster's brain nearly shuts down in ecstasy at 2:14.

Liquid beauty.

Makes Lobster want to drive a convertible into the desert at night.

Lobster feels this captures the somewhat analog creativity we children of the 80's and 90's have.

So purdy.

Lobster rarely wants to dance. At 0:51 seconds Lobster pulls down his fedora and dances like Fred Astaire.

Makes Lobster feel all tingly and epic.

One from Lobster's youth. It will always hold a special place in his heart.

And finally one of that best musical gifts that Lobster can bestow upon others. Possibly one of the greatest albums in recent history that you've likely never heard.

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@Stauxie said:

@Lincs said:
"Babe come over"

"I can't I'm being officially recognized by the King as duke of my own fiefdom"

"I'm starting a mercenary campaign based around getting rich and doing naughty things to worthless peasants"


To quote Xekratos:


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I will admit I have considered the effect certain foods or drinks have on my overall performance when playing Chiv / Mordhau. In general I try to limit my intake of refined sugar and consume specific natural foods as a source of vitamins etc. in lieu of manufactured pills. Obviously not for my performance in some game, but for general health reasons.

It may simply be a placebo effect, but the one thing I found that I think MIGHT be beneficial to my performance is rosemary. I chew a small amount raw from my plant every now and then for the health benefits, and I did notice I seemed to perform better in-game after I ate it. There is a village in Italy with over 300 people 100 years old or older who are exceptionally sound in body and mind. Two of the factors attributed to this are exercise (the village has many stairways) and a diet high in rosemary.

On my deathbed when I am 112 years old I plan to:

  1. Recount the role I played in World War III to my great-grandchildren with perfect clarity.
  2. Advise them of the incredible savings available only at their local Red Lobster. Then enjoy their confused faces as I leave to meet God.
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